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Mosquito life.

A lot of contemplation and many roller coaster months later, this post finally takes shape. I don't know what the final trigger was, but being al alone and away from the stifling comfort of the family does teach one a valuable thing or two. In the time since I've been here in hostel, I've come to realise certain things that have so deeply ingrained themselves into my lattice of thought that they seem as inseparable as dye and colour, misfortune and mosquitoes.

I am all alone in this world. It was possibly the most devastating thought that ever sunk in. (Yeah yeah yeah there's definitely a difference between a thought occurring and a thought sinking in.) I was in a strange zombie state for days after that, but then -

Everybody is all alone in this world, whether they realise it ever or not. So, in a way, nobody is alone in being alone.

Expectation of any reciprocation of feelings leads to an insane amount of pain if it doesn't materialise. I have had this happen multiple times to me, but still kept going the same mental way like an absolute idiot. Even your family is in this bracket. They are as human as you, after all, and it works both ways. I have had a relatively stable inner ceasefire after beginning to expect nothing from my 'dear ones'.
I can confidently assert that this is one area in my emosphere where hope is mostly dead. And it's a damn good thing, I daresay. Even when they do something nice, I am able to expect nothing further and handle it with deadpan equanimity, after years and stupid years of crying over things like why my own family did not wish me a proper happy birthday 'unlike other normal parents'.
This was also a sink-in, but wasn't as painful as Realisation One.

You have one life. YOU ARE LIVING FOR NOBODY BUT YOURSELF. Let that seep in sloooowly but permanently. There's no proof of your reincarnation and other crap, unless you want to fool yourself. So live it the way you want to, because by the time you get around to evaluating how you've done, all the ones you thought would judge you will be long dead or distant enough to forget. That might be quite a long list, so start sorting it right now - if there is something you want to do in this life, do it, obvious T&C apply. There's no need to bend to peer pressure. There's no need to be anyone you're not. There's no need to follow a religion or way of life that even mildly disgusts you, regardless of what the 'Judges' say. this Realisation Four again.

Everybody has their own agenda and priorities, but as kids, we don't realise this. We promised to be friends for life, then I moped around for days when a phone call and sms went unanswered, sometime after we graduated from school. With one fantastic exception, none of my schoolmates are in touch with me right now, but that's ok. It goes both ways.
By the time I was done with my bachelors, I decided consciously not to keep certain people and their reminders in my life anymore. I was actually okay with anyone else doing the same thing wrt me. They had all the rights too. Like spring cleaning, I deleted all these people from my contacts and Facebook. And slowly the memories became like flowing air. I could let it pass me without feeling wronged.

Love is overhyped, except for animals. A dog's love is as unconditional as it can get. Even cats have their own sweet way of letting us know we are adored, but then their behavious is so uncannily similar to us arrogant humans that quite a few people can't stomach the idea of a 'mere animal' studiously snubbing them. The true worth of human love is my mother's love even though she's as crazy as they can possibly make them. Nothing else compares.

Melodrama my foot. I'm too old for that.

Growing up is pretty much the suckiest thing we do all our life. Nobody is willing to tell you what's going on because either
A. It's the awkward 'body' talk
B. It's the slightly less awkward 'mental' talk
C. It's awkward annnyway.

Thus you are left doing what the rest of your peer group does - endure whatever the hell's going on even though the rest of them are experiencing pretty much the same brand of moulting, or have already done so. I realised this over a period of time, but by then, I had already experienced most of what I fearfully and self-pityingly assumed were unique to my small world alone.

Feeling fat and wanting plastic surgery so much that my name would morph to Dissatisfaction Personified - check. First love overreaction followed by weeks and months of melodrama - check. The Rebel Days (ages 11-ongoing) check. A general feeling summed by the_whole_world_is_crap_oh_I_feel_so_alone - check. Engineering relatively sucks - check. There are no true friends in this universe - checkkkkkk.

So, of late, I am met by an awed reaction whenever I try to tell someone what I think they should do to deal with any of the above, and the related shizz. I am instantly given the halo of 'knowledgeable', 'know-it-all', 'wise', just because I am telling them in simplified english that they are not alone in experiencing any of these quasi-issues. It's hilarious most of the time, but I can't laugh and say 'Bwahahahaaa so you're saying you've NEVER EVER heard of the word infatuation? What a dhoodhpeda* !!'

*Dhoodhpeda - a term referring to an immature/childish person. Actually, a dhoodhpeda is a milk sweet, oh-so-soft.

Priorities and chilli pickle.

Ever since I've started a new exercise routine in this tiny balcony attached to my room (yes I started again. I always start), I've started noticing what I eat, how much I eat, and all this mosh, but this is greatly distressing the foodie side of me. No more cheesebursts at my pet Dominoes, says the ab-rip-crazy side of my mind. Okay FINE maybe once a year. Going by that standard, I've already eaten four years' worth of pizzas in just two months.
 This IIM life no... :-/ Tchah.

So coming to priorities after pointlessly salivating again.

My bestie Meow (mentioned in an earlier long-winding post) got married today. Me being this far away, I could only spam her facebook wall with sappy messages about how much I was missing her and how life is a strange plasma custard (every bit of this is true, though). The newlyweds are obviously busy, big fat south Indian wedding after all, and I won't be able to get to her for a while. Her happiness at getting hitched has me re-evaluating my own state of affairs (no pun. Oh REALLY) and whether this commitment-phobic_extremely_sappy love lover will ever find a happily-forever-after.

Oh I'm in love all right. Right now, with the chilli pickle my insti mess provides for lunch and dinner. It's a love that will never be reciprocated, because chilli pickle is so....chilli pickle. Moving on to humans, I've never had any luck. "Love has been like catching shadows", a thoroughly pointless exercise (gives one a neck crick and the mental seasick).

I've lost count of the number of muses I have, but love? Naaaaaaaaa. Not my brand of haiku. Except for chilli pickle. I might just end up having it with the custard (no not the plasma custard, the edible yellow one) someday.

Green, oily wonder
Thoughts you render asunder
A true tongue thunder.


My kindred spirit,
We are but galactic pawns
In Cause and Effect.

You have me, I have you
On the same side
In this battle to claim
Peace and horizons
As our charted territory.

Our dreams are summer palaces.

I have you, you have me
As we watch a new sunrise
From the vantage of arms,
Yours and mine,
Entwined destiny, supine,
Opens her eyes and our hopes
In dimensions we don't yet
Know we can dream of.

My kindred spirit,
We are but blips, puppets
Who find solace in knowing
That we are not alone. 


So hi.
Officially my first blog post after the city change.
Have been wanting to post for a while, but owing to shortage of me-time, inner chime and good outer  clime, the post remained a to-be-post.

Am in the land of the Balle Balle if I were to pander to the only cliche that quite a few south Indians know about Haryana. I had to tell my grandmom that NO, Punjab and Haryana are two different states and NO, people don't always keep dancing with a turban on their heads in the midst of bright yellow mustard fields shouting KUDIYE! MUNDE! OYE! OYE! *Thank you Bollywood, thank you SO much for reinforcing such stuff in innocent people's heads.*

I had to break a few brick-solid stereotypes here too. NO, Madrasi is NOT a caste, language or community, and WE DON'T EAT CURD RICE 24/7. There are Keralites from Kerala, Tamilians from Tamil Nadu, Kannadigas from Karnataka, and so on. Well, you CAN be a Tamilian from Karnataka or some nice mix like that, but let's look at breaking the aforementioned very basic bricks before we move on to the Stereotype Wall.

Ah. The Stereotype Wall. Presenting just one SMALL segment, for you to hit your head (and other things, really your choice) against when you want to break something that needs breaking.

So basicaLy myseLf Tanya a Madrasi with very unMadrasi name my mother wanted to name me something like the Lakshmi, Veena, Nandini, Ananya but I started the baby version of ayyoooo and she maybe understood I oLways dress like I'm going to a dance performance or a tembLe these biiig beautifuL earrings and that nice biiig bindi on my fourhead oh I Loooove mehndi it's not just my hands that have them but shooshoo ayyooooo don't ask me embarrassing koschans yennyway I cannot understand youvar Hindi at aLL let's move to diskasshan of my fayyyyvourate thayir saadham with the pikkLs oh wait you poovar North Indian north of the Vindhyachalams you don't know what thayir saadham is I pitty you like anything by the name of my lord God Tirupathi Swami who I visit all the time yanyway all our men always have ash on their fourhead so devout I say it is curd rice with the pikkLs wait I can't STAND this north india food paneer paneer aLoo aLoo gobi gobi why you eat the only rottis it's just a chapathi no we eat only rice we don't eat chapathi unless we go to north india listen why you no wear bindi any of you ayyyayyyyooooo not the vegetable bindi the dot bindi you write on your forehead ayyayyoooooooooooooooooooo

Move me.

You are the inner brightness
Of a thousand suns.
You are the motive power
Of a thousand seas…

I give you a name,
I give you a form,
And worship you in
Shrines unknown to
The rest of mankind.

You, oh Formless One,
One that needs no name
Being the name of Everything and Everyone,
You discard like trifles
The name and form I so
Lovingly cloak you in…

You shrug your vast shoulders
Of Life, with detached disappointment,
Guiding my teary sight and weary hands
To higher aims, higher sight…

You are the Muse of all Muses.

You are Ambition.

Why would I want to call you
Anything else?

The self rump-kicker.

This isn't meant to be an angsty post.

It's just a wondering winding about the society we live in. The society that kicks its own backside every time it tries to kick into line one of its denizens. Because this society is made of you and me as much as it is made of the rest of your community.

When you curse the kind of setup you're in, that it's hindering your freedom, remember that YOU gave it the right to mess around with your free spirit like it was mere trifles. You are equally responsible for sexist curfews, for being more covered up than you would like to be, for getting hitched at an age when you would have liked to do anything but settle down.

You secretly smiled, initially aghast but quick to smother it up, when your parent became the enforcers of the code of conduct the 'society' deemed fit for someone you knew who had enough courage to speak up and say that there was a man she loved and wanted to marry. Do you know how she felt when she was treated like a woman of the night for doing what is so fundamentally human as to fall in love?

You teetered between speaking up for your happiness and being scat-scared for your sanity at home when your sanity was going haywire anyway.

You learnt that the man you love is a puppet of this very society, stepping back for good at the very instant that he had to take the most important step.

It's extremely lonely to be a free spirit when the statistically significant fraction of the world seems to exist in the shackles of the unseen diktats of a ghastly society. Why don't they realise that the society is THEM?